# Fecha de alta: 09/06/2010
# Edad: 28 años
I see you’re (or at least claim to be) very well versed in the use of this language used by so many phenomenal writers like Shakespeare, Byron, Hemingway… So you’ll enjoy the pleasure of having your fic criticized in this very language. By the way, I have some qualification, but I’m no master of the English language, so this text will probably have loads of mistakes. Okay, no more babbling, let’s get things rolling.
I’ll start with the first chapter (not appropriately named, by the way, but with your command of English, I’ll assume this is a mere mistake… sorry for the sarcasm). Yours must be experimental literature, as most works of art produced by writers throughout history have descriptions of some kind. Well, consider yourself innovative, you have (sort of) created an avant-garde movement.
Seriously, I couldn’t care less about your dear character’s food; I thought the title was “Master Kaiser” instead of “Taster Kaiser”. I’d prefer to know how Kaiser looks, thinks and acts, aside from trying to imitate (and degrade) my dear Airen. Aside from your continuous “f*** logic” gags, (no comments) there’s something I’d really want to talk about.
It’s about this “master” being also a nutritionist… it gave me something to laugh at for an hour, he’s a better trainer because he allows his pokémon to eat human food? I’ll spoil you something about PSA (if it’s not obvious yet): Airen will turn pro and take on the world, and that’s something I’m going to write about, his battles, how he prepares them... And by no means he gives his pokémon ham, it isn’t something that would improve their fighting prowess, he’s going to train them with accurate diets (with the amount of nutrients needed by each pokémon, using proteins and such), blood tests, physical and mental exercise and working with “details” like reflexes, footwork, explosiveness… Pretty much the same way professional athletes work out, I’m sure Kevin Durant (OKC forward) has never eaten ham before an important match.
This protagonist of yours is the most pathetic character to ever appear in a piece of writing. He swept every opponent he faced and even fought Cynthia… a teen with ZERO experience in life and fights. I know a trainer can have a “gift of the gods”; Airen is a natural genius, indeed. But Airen had to DEVELOP his combat abilities motivated by everything that happened around him since his rebirth. Kaiser is just a godlike trainer and a badass right off the bat. Sorry, but that’s physically impossible, plus, he’s a cocky brat with no experience neither in life nor in battling (if he had some, that would be reflected by his actions, which are those of a cocky brat, as I said before). I’ve got nothing else to add; round one is over, on to the next target.
I’ll skip my thoughts on the beginning of the second episode, because your “pokéduros” are the funniest thing on your fic wannabe. Then the thieves… really, that scenario is unbelievable… I’ve described some fights to the death in my fic and intimidation is crucial to both pokémon and trainers: Staraptor’s eyes getting bloodshot when he is angry, Salamence licking his fangs, Volcarona glowing like a sun, Tyranitar roaring, plus some of Airen’s sadistic threats (Beheading, tearing organs off the victim, bludgeoning him/her to death…). But I’ve never used (at least in a non-sarcastic way) “te hago pupa” (I can’t translate this, sorry, my English isn’t as magnificent as yours).
I’m your worst nightmare?? Overused, easy cliché. Coming off a badass wannabe, I couldn’t expect any less. Airen’s “let’s put an end to this sob story” may not be so intimidating, but it reflects the young man’s outlook on life (it’s a sob story). Add Airen's nihilism and lack of morals when it comes to dealing with people (he doesn’t hesitate to kill and his enemies are well aware of it) to the mix and you have the motives behind his ability to intimidate far beyond what this Kaiser guy can.
Then, two nameless assailants dressed in medieval armor attack this duo, and the almighty Kaiser comes to the rescue, being able to PUNCH THROUGH STEEL, or at least that’s what it seems, some description would be appreciated. A pair of girls came out of nowhere and so, the duel begins. How the hell did a pathetic girl get to control Mewtwo???
I’ve taken a look at your “battle”, forgive me, but they are fun to write, and, to me, you don’t seem to enjoy telling us how the battle rages on, because, when someone pours his heart into something, that’s easy to notice. You don’t describe the moves, how a pokémon acts before engaging in combat and during the confrontation itself… You described nothing throughout the fight, period. Then, the justiceballs make their appearance, I don’t hold the rights to pokémon snatching, but this is, well…
1. Pokéballs don’t make “pip” noises.
2. Justiceball?? Please, who the heck are these sues to talk about justice?? Grow up, a pair of whores are nobody to talk about something as deep as justice is. You claim to have read PSA, don’t you? Caín Adams, EDEN’s fourth in command is probably not a paladin of justice, but Airen would’ve never tried to snatch his salamence from him. Being good or bad highly depends on the approach, but someone you may consider “evil” can treat their pokémon well, even the coldest people are moved when someone worries about them. Even when Caín fell in EDEN’s trap, his pokémon went with him all along, because they were FRIENDS, and, unlike justice, bonds are not subjective. Airen steals pokémon, but he does it for no one but himself and not in the name of justice.
3. It’s quite similar to my work, but I’m not a judge.
To sum up, Mr. Ego (a.k.a. Kaiser) will someday wake up, there’s no way such a brat can fight his way through Sinnoh’s elite four, he’s just another Marty Stu character with as much of an excessive ego as his creator, who claims to be a great writer and opened a group only for the best (lead by an illiterate) to have something to brag about. This is not the school playground, we don’t want to compare whose character is more badass, we want to write better and we help each other in order to do so.
My Airen may not be Byron’s Don Juan, but I’m sure he would kick this weed-smoking egomaniac’s ass ninety-five percent of the time. You have the rights to make a character with a similar personality to Airen’s, that’s by no means business of mine, but if you attempt to copy him, do it with some honor.
1. Airen doesn’t go around bragging about how strong he is, he shuts up and fights. His achievements as a battler prove it on their own; and, in case his opponent doesn't know about them, he will. Soon enough.
2. He has endured the hardships of life at a very young age, that’s the reason behind his way to act, which has nothing to do with that of an average seventeen-year-old boy. In fact, he and his best friend treat each other as equals… His best friend is nine years older than him.
3. Airen’s signature pokémon (aside from Espeon and Umbreon) is his Infernape; there is one detail about his use of Infernape, it’s probably the least used pokémon in his team. Airen NEVER unleashes an ace unless it’s needed to come out triumphant, otherwise he’ll stick to commanding other pokémon.
4. He would never act like a kid, he’s comparable to a seasoned veteran on the battlefield. If he’s attacked by some mysterious organization, he moves in for the kill. LITERALLY.